I've built an entire life for myself 5000 miles away from my family, but there are still pieces of my old life that I'd like to transport down here.
My friend Karla graduated a year ahead of me in high school. We had both lived in the same tiny town in the same houses with the same parents for our entire lives. The first Christmas that she was back, we were having coffee and she said, "Shawna, it's really hard when you go away. After you do, no matter where you go, you're always leaving someone behind."
I have a spooky feeling I've talked about this before, but it's on my mind. Shelby's Mom is down visiting from Alaska and we had a nice chat tonight. There are things about my hometown that I can never talk about because no one would understand what I'm saying. Geographical points, buildings, streets, people...
The people in Alaska are (for the most part) great. They're friendly, open and generally nice. The people down here are rude, closed and skeptical. That bothers me.
When I left Alaska, I didn't just leave behind a home. I left behind a lifestyle. An entire attitude that I'll never find anywhere else.
I posted a poem by Richard Brautigan that says, "Finding is losing something else." I think I had to lose everything to find what I did.
Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I'm here. And it would have been ridiculous to stay in Alaska when all my friends were moving away and I didn't even know what I wanted to major in or what I wanted to do with my life.
People are always leaving me. I seem to stay stationary while they go. This has happened over and over and over again. Leaving is healthy. It's the natural progression. It's the way things are. But sometimes I wonder...
What would have happened to me if I had stayed in Alaska and never shattered my life into tiny pieces I could never completely pick up?