We will now allow a few select words, taken from Shawna Sweeney's book, "A Dissertation On What It's Like To Be Me". While this text has not attained much popular acclaim, it is a favorite bedtime story among certain Tibetan tribes.

"I was not born, so much as birthed. I have not lived, so much as breathed. I have not spoken, so much as discoursed. Here is that story."

"It all started one balmy September day in 1979. I was pushed into this world, puking and mewling. And thus it began."

"Over the next few years, my body expanded. I did not approve these changes so much as accept them. It was to be years before much of anything worth mentioning happened."

"I attended Palmer High School in Palmer, Alaska. I ran around doing school things. Most notably, I woke up every morning at 6:30 AM. This had not happened previously nor has it happened since. I was on the swim team. I was in National Honor Society. I went to class. I began working at McDonald's. It was all of these things, and more, which allegedly molded me into who I am. I'm not sure if Palmer High School, or McDonald's, want to take credit for that."

"After graduating high school in 1997, I spent a year going to school at University of Alaska, Anchorage. I continued working at McDonald's. I became friends with a young man named Link Swan and generally misbehaved."

"It was in fateful March of 1998 that I went on a monumental voyage. I flew to Michigan to visit my best friend, Shelby Wyrostek, on Spring Break. She exposed me to a tiny piece of the world. (This piece is better known to some as Ann Arbor, Michigan.) I went to a Jill Sobule show, ate at a Japanese Steakhouse, and saw seven modern wonders of the world. These are, in approximate order: The expressway, Detroit Metro airport, an actual population of people, billboards, the inside of an apartment, a horse farm and Shelby's 1998 Saturn. I also met a girl named Amanda, who becomes important to this story, later."

"After leaving Michigan, I journeyed to Washington, DC, for a week. I saw our nation's capital. I rode my first subway, caught my first taxi, and saw the Hirshorn Museum of Modern Art at the Smithsonian. Again, I saw the inside of an apartment. All of these things confused and frightened me. I flew home."

"Upon returning to Alaska, I took a good look around. Unfortunately, I did not see any of the seven modern wonders of the world, except for the inside of another apartment. It was infinitely disappointing. I had expanded. Alaska had not. I was forced to relocate."

"I saved up a grand and hopped in my 1993 Dodge Shadow. I brought along two friends, Jenny Chesbro and Jason Cardenas. We embarked upon the most amazing road trip in the history of the world. We eventually arrived in Michigan, where my national resources consisted of $150, my car, and a few pairs of jean cut-offs. I once again began working at McDonald's."

"Shelby had managed to rent us the bottom floor of a beautiful house in Fowlerville, Michigan. Fowlerville, Michigan. Ah, how the name arises, mixing memory and desire. At the Fowlerville house, we had many things. We had french glass doors, two porches, a huge earwig infestation, fart-smelling water, a big lawn, circular driveway, many trees and no refrigerator. Somehow, we got along."

"After a while, we got tired of smelling like wholesome, down-home fart water. We decided it was time for a change. We were losing friends because of the odor. Also, the commute into Lansing for school was burning gas faster than we could say, "Benign tumor." That's pretty fast. So we made an unprecedented decision, and moved into East Lansing. This, for those uninitiated, is a pseudo-college town stuck to the side of Lansing proper. Kids like it. We spent our first day in the East Lansing apartment having a carpet picnic from Subway and listening to Soul Coughing. What a great day. But I digress."

"After moving into the East Lansing apartment, we played the game of roommate shuffle so often we could have created our own line dance. Shelby moved out and Amanda moved in. Amanda's boyfriend moved in. Shelby moved back in and Amanda's boyfriend moved out. Amanda moved out to live with her boyfriend, then moved back in, then moved back out to move to Chicago. Shelby moved out. Frank moved in."

"I got my first salaried job after many adventures in retail. Computer technical support is a whole different world from selling cigarettes. But things must change."

"And now Frank is moving out. A new roommate must be found by August 1st to move in to the apartment. And it is proving tougher to find a roommate than expected. But what's a girl to do? Just grin and bear it and hope for the best."

The last known whereabouts of Shawna Sweeney were East Lansing, Michigan, where she enjoyed such pursuits as attending Lansing Community College and eating strawberries on moonlit beaches.